Smoke and Mirrors

Ya know what I mean?

2006-09-15T04:45:00.000-07:00

Will this day never end?

The birthday the bike and the bonk

2006-09-05T06:28:00.000-07:00

The Birthday:
It’s been a while since I’ve had much to say, but I’m older and wiser now. I’m older because I just had a birthday. Normally, I would not mention my birthday because it’s no big deal to me, but as you can tell by the title of the post it’s important to the story. I prefer my birthday to pass without much fanfare. Sure. It’s nice to get a little spoiled by the wife, but that’s it. I don’t like most people to even know when my birthday is. Well this year I got my wish in a big way. Only a few close friends celebrated the big day. We had three friends over for take-out and cake. My Baby and I had an awesome dinner out on Friday, and my present was WAY over the top (see The Bike).

The bike:
I’ve recently started to join my wife and her friends on some bike rides. None of them have been too challenging (my longest to date has been 50 miles). Keep in mind that I am older now. Anyway, since I had been enjoying the activity and time spent with my fellow bikers my wife decided I should have a bike of my very own. She also decided that the bike should be very nice(as you can see by the picture). This bad boy has 27 gears, disc brakes, front shocks and a comfy seat (as comfy as a bike seat can be, anyway). I was completely surprised by this gift. I never saw it coming. She threw me off a while back when she won a bike in a raffle. Since she already had a road bike and a hybrid (cross between a road bike and a mountain bike), I thought she might give me the bike she won. Instead, she told me that she didn’t think I’d be a serious rider and she sold the bike she won. As it turns out, she sold that bike to get me a different/better bike. Thanks for my new bike, Baby. I love it.

The Bonk:

bonk: a state of severe exhaustion caused mainly by the depletion of glycogen in the muscles because the rider has failed to eat or drink enough. Once it occurs, rest and high-carbohydrate foods are necessary for recovery.
I used to think that bonking was another way to say that someone was having sex. I have since learned that there is another less satisfying meaning for the term “to bonk”. I learned this meaning first hand on Sunday. I had my spiffy new bike out for its maiden voyage. The sun was shinning, birds were chirping and we had a beautiful route planned through the Lancaster countryside. Somewhere along the way things began to go horrible wrong. The hills were kicking my ass. I had gone through all of my water, and we were less than half way done the ride. This recreational activity was becoming more and more unpleasant. Eventually my left leg locked with cramps. I managed to get off my bike just before it happened or I would have fallen over. Every muscle on the top half of my leg turned rock hard. All I wanted to do was to get off my feet so that I could relax the muscles, but I couldn’t move. I drug myself a few feet to get away from the road and collapsed to the ground. Just as I did, I heard a dog barking and coming at me. Luckily it was the friendliest dog ever, because I was helpless. Within a few minutes, the cramping subsided and I was able to climb back on the bike. We still had over ten miles to go. I finished the ride, but it took everything I had and then some. I will never bonk again. From now on there will be proper fueling (carbs baby, carbs) and plenty of hydration.

The rant about doctors

2006-08-01T07:23:00.000-07:00

I know. I haven’t been posting and now that I finally have, it’s bitch, bitch, bitch. Sorry.

Any how……

I’m a guy. That means I do not go to the doctor unless I am sick and believe I can not get better without drugs.

I just went to the Doctor.

I caught a summer cold. No big deal right? For most people that’s true. Unfortunately, I’m not able to get a cold like most people. It starts out as a cold and it sucks but that’s no reason to see a doctor. You take some OTC drugs and get over it, right. Um, yeah. My cold runs it course, then turns into something nasty. Whatever it is, it lives in my chest and makes sleeping impossible for more that 45 minute chunks. These “naps” are interrupted by violent coughing fits. As you can imagine, all of this coughing turns my throat to hamburger. This happens every time I get a cold!

The last time I went to the Dr. for this, I was told I had a sinus infection and the cough was caused by post nasal drip. The time before that it was bronchitis. OK. What ever. This time, I was told I have strep throat. How can the same symptoms be a totally different diagnoses. Each time, I tell the doctor that every cold turns into this nasty coughing chest thing. They can’t tell me why or consistently diagnose it. At least I get drugs and eventually I get better.

After reading the above, you may have determined that I am less than satisfied with my current doctor. You are correct. That’s why I decided to try and see someone else. The first call I made, I was told the 1st appointment was available in late October. Thank you, no. With my next call, I was offered an appointment in September. Better, but not good enough. Finally, I accepted a mid August appointment to establish a relationship with my new Doctor. I will go in for a physical. Hopefully, once I’m an established patient, I can see this doctor while I’m sick and before I die.

So here’s the deal. My new doctor is a woman. Now I’m not a chauvinist. I have no problem with a woman doctor, lawyer, president or anything else. It’s just a little weird knowing that she will be poking, probing and squeezing areas that only my wife has seen for over twenty five years. It raises an interesting question though. Is it any less strange or embarrassing to have a male doctor doing the same thing? I’ve decided it’s just plain embarrassing no matter who is poking, probing or squeezing your naughty bits. I just want someone who listens to what is wrong with me and gives me a diagnosis that seems to be more than an educated guess.

My Independence Day rant

2006-06-30T10:19:00.000-07:00

Why is it that people are fascinated by all of these cheap ass, completely lame fireworks. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy a good PROFESSIONAL display as much as the next guy. I despise all other fireworks. Just because you are amused by the two second whistle followed by a weak pop that deposits your spent bottle rocket into the neighbors pool does not mean that anyone else thinks it’s cool (especially the neighbor with the pool). Don’t even get me started on smoke bombs. Why is anyone entertained by stinking up the air with colored smoke, especially in the summer when the air is so thick that it lingers for about ten minutes? Even if it smelled good, I wouldn’t want to smell it for that long. Let’s agree, once in for all. If they are legal they are lame. If they are illegal, they are dangerous. Let’s leave the fireworks to the professionals, shall we. Oh, and one last thing. Who ever the knucklehead is that is who keeps shooting off the roman candles at 3:00 PM, you might want to wait for it to get a little bit darker. Dork!

And now, for some actual pictures from the trip!

2006-06-16T07:42:00.000-07:00

Where have I been?

2006-06-12T07:55:00.000-07:00

I have no time to write about it and my pictures are not ready yet. Here are other people's pictures to tell some of the story.

Hhhheeeeeeeeessssshhh!

2006-06-01T12:16:00.000-07:00

Small bites, people. That's the key.

2006-05-11T09:06:00.000-07:00

I had to remind myself of some pretty simple advice, recently. If you find yourself overwhelmed, maybe these two jems will help you out too.

There's only one way to eat an elephant - one bite at a time.

I think it was Will Rodgers who said “If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging”. That’s some seriously sound advice.

The power of music

2006-05-08T08:21:00.000-07:00

One of my ~~many~~ two readers asked me “JingJangJohnny, why have you forsaken us” or something to that effect. My answer was “I got nothing”. That’s not really true. The fact is I have a lot to say. Unfortunately it can be summed up as “bitch, bitch, bitch…boo-frickety-who”. Nobody wants to hear/read that, so I’ve been sparing everyone. My loyal reader suggested that I blog about our evening last night. So here ya go Baby:

It was a fabulous ending to a weekend that had some peaks and valleys (Notice how I’m not bitching about the valleys). We attended, for the 2nd year in a row, an opera competition. Now I’m not what you would call an opera aficionado, but I can certainly appreciate it as an art form. There were 9 very talented performers (none of which are pictured here). There was an open bar, fabulous snacks, gift baskets, and a choice of prime rib or salmon. For a few hours, I was able to forget my tales of woe and get lost in the music. It just goes to show you the power of music. The open bar didn’t hurt much either.

Have you ever seen a snake fly?

2006-04-28T05:24:00.000-07:00

Ha! That was a trick question, and now you can answer "yes". This is one of the flies I intend to use over the weekend. I'm taking the kayak out in the upper Chesapeake for stripers this weekend. These migratory fish come up to the mouth of the Susquehanna River to spawn each year. Some of them reach 50 pounds or more. I'm hoping to get pulled around by one of these cows for a while. Wish me luck.

There's a different smell in the air.

2006-04-27T04:19:00.000-07:00

It’s the sweet smell of victory! Here’s a quote from the Philadelphia Inquirer that says it best.

Powered by two goals from Peter Forsberg, a raucous crowd decked out in Orange Crush T-shirts, and video wizardry splicing Lauren Hart and the late Kate Smith singing "God Bless America," the Flyers rode a volcanic eruption of emotion for the entire game.

Phily is a sports town, and they love their Flyers. I can’t begin to tell you what it was like to be center ice, 11 rows back. Our friend Jane hooked us up big time with killer seats! Thanks Jane! Your da best! Has anyone seen my voice?

Let’s go Fly-ers. Clap clap clap-clap-clap

P U

2006-04-25T04:22:00.000-07:00

Can you smell that? Damn! What is that stink? Oh, that's right. It's the Flyers. I'm a huge Flyers fan, but I can't think of one positive thing to say about them after last night. I'm OK with losing. Really, I am. All I ask is that you compete. Learn from your mistakes and adjust. Show some grit. That was embarrassing.

Johnny da polyp swims wit da fishes

2006-04-24T12:10:00.000-07:00

For her birthday, my Baby wanted to do something different and exciting. She chose to take me and a few friends to the Camden Aquarium to swim with the sharks. We had a great experience. We toured the aquarium and got a good look at the sharks before we took the plunge. Some of those toothy buggers got pretty close. I hope I never get that close again.

The Greatest Show on Earth…..NOT!

2006-04-24T08:22:00.000-07:00

So, my Baby and I headed into the big city last week to see the ~~greatest~~ lamest show on earth – Ringling Brothers & Barnum and Bailey Circus. What a disappointment! I can not express what a load of crap this travesty was. Oh sure they had elephants, cats, and clowns. The elephants ran around the ring (notice I said ring, and not rings – as in three rings), big freaking deal. The cats – yeah, they were house cats. I’m serious. They had trained house cats! The clowns were weak. They actually irritated me. I don’t think that’s the effect they are supposed to have. Now I realize that we are middle aged adults, but damn. It’s supposed to be for “children of all ages”. There was so much singing and dancing, I felt like I was watching a cruise ship show. Two words – Don’t go! We left at the intermission. That’s another thing. Intermission????? Any other circus I went to was none stop action, in three rings. You couldn’t possible see everything. I could have slept though this one.

Shark Fly

2006-04-21T12:45:00.000-07:00

As some of you may know, I'm a fly fisherman. I also tie my own flies. Recently, I became interested in fly fishing for large salt water fish. I have flies for Flounder, blue fish, and ~~strippers~~ stripers. Then I thought to myself, I wonder if I could come up with a fly pattern that might work for sharks.

Oh, relax. I wouldn't use a real baby! How dare you call me a bait fisherman!

Is it just me......

2006-04-18T10:01:00.000-07:00

Is it just me, or are these "boy bands" getting a little carried away?

The view from here

2006-04-17T11:55:00.000-07:00

When I look up these days, this is what I see (even when the sun is out).

So he sez ta me, he sez....

2006-04-14T09:37:00.000-07:00

My good buddy Buzz just asked me to do something about the naked mole rat who's picture has graced to top of this sight for ~~too long~~ a few days. So I thought to myself, maybe I can find an Easter related picture.....perhaps a cute bunny will work. Man, I have some good ideas every once in a while. Buzz gets an assist on this one.

Life as a mole

2006-04-10T05:35:00.000-07:00

It’s official. We are now, and for the next week, living as mole people. Due to the ongoing floor work; we are forced to live as basement dwellers. Everything we own is boxed, stacked, or bagged. Our bed is an air mattress. Good times, good times!

Philly unions get a golden shower.

2006-04-05T06:18:00.000-07:00

The Comcast tower, designed by Robert A.M. Stern Architects, includes a variety of energy- and water-saving technologies that could help it win a coveted certificate from the U.S. Green Building Council. No tower its size has achieved that distinction, although the 945-foot Bank of America Tower in New York is also going for the green.

Among other things, the plans call for 116 no-flush urinals. I don’t get the concept, but if it’s possible to accomplish this without health concerns or unpleasant odors, I say go for it.

The Plumbers Union Local 690 does not agree. They submitted a long list of conditions to open the way for the green devices. Most significantly, it agreed to install standard water lines with the urinals, although they are unnecessary and will not be connected. The plumbers contend this is a backup measure, in case the urinals don't work. An agreement was reached between the developer and the union.

In case you couldn’t tell, you can’t take a piss in this town without feeling the union’s strong grip.

So how golden will your golden years be?

2006-04-05T06:09:00.000-07:00

With life expectancy, inflation and taxes all going steadily up, I find the following information frightening. What are these people thinking?

The Employee Benefit Research Institute's annual retirement confidence survey, released Tuesday, found that about 68 percent of workers are confident about having adequate funds for a comfortable retirement, up slightly from 65 percent in 2005.
At the same time, more than half of all workers say they've saved less than $25,000 toward retirement, according to the Washington, D.C., based research group. Even among workers 55 and older, more than four in 10 have retirement savings under $25,000.

Who’s the Doss?

2006-04-05T06:05:00.000-07:00

Desmond T. Doss Sr., the only conscientious objector to receive the Medal of Honor for non-combatant achievements in World War II, died March 23 at the age of 87. They don’t make ‘em like this any more. My hat’s off to you, Mr. Doss.

Make today count

2006-04-05T05:25:00.000-07:00

Actually, today will count whether you want it to or not. Just past 1:00 pm today, the time and date will be 01:02.03 04-05-06. How cool is that?

Beware of the killer squirrel!

2006-04-03T07:56:00.000-07:00

So there I am. Minding my own business and peddling along the bike trail. I was looking all hot in my spandex pants and helmet (hey, stop ~~gagging~~ laughing), when out of nowhere came this killer squirrel. He was the size of dog and had razors for teeth. He clearly had murder on his mind. I can’t be sure, but I think I heard him say “death to the infidel” right before he charged me. Thanks to my cat-like reflexes, I was able to prevent him from lodging himself between my spokes and sending me ass over handlebars. I think I even nicked him with my back tire. I’m marking this down as another win in the war on ~~terror~~ squirrels.

Spring ahead…spring my ass!

2006-04-03T04:24:00.000-07:00

I love spring. The flowers are blooming, the fish are jumping, and every hockey game matters. My only complaint is this damn time change. It messes me up every year. What the heck, man? I get up early, and that’s hard enough. Why do you want to make me start my day in the dark, just when I was used to having some daylight. It’s hard enough to drag my carcass out of bed and get dressed for work. Now I’m back to trying to figure out if my socks are black or blue and struggling with those tiny buttons that hold the collar on your shirt in place. If they have to change the time, why can’t they wait for about a month? That way I’d still have a little light in the morning. It is ALL about me, after all. Who do I need to speak to about this?

Speaking of dogs....

2006-03-30T04:49:00.000-08:00

Please tell me this is not for real!

How much is that doggy in the window?

2006-03-28T06:50:00.000-08:00

Well, he ain’t free, that’s for sure.

We have two dogs, and we love them to death. They are well taken care of (spoiled, some would say). They are both adopted from shelters, so they were “free”. They are no longer “free”. We had them to the vet last night. Don’t worry. There’s nothing wrong with them. We make sure that they have yearly check-ups complete with vaccines and preventative medications. As responsible, loving pet owners, that is our duty and we take it seriously. We took them to a new vet last night, because the one we’ve been going to (for about 20 years) got too expensive. Well, as it turns out, our old vet was actually much less expensive than the new vet. For two dogs – yearly vaccines, heartworm/rabies blood work, and heartworm pills – the bill was over $380. Is it me or is that ridiculous? It’s no wonder the shelters are overflowing with unwanted animals. People can’t afford to care for them properly any more.

**There are two dogs available for part time work. The pay doesn’t have to be good, but benefits are a must. They are both very cute, but they have no skills (other than turning Kibbles and Bits into fertilizer). Any takers?

The circus is coming to town

2006-03-24T11:59:00.000-08:00

We’re headed to the circus in about a month; just me and the wife. That’s right. We don’t need kids to go to the circus. Maybe we’re childish. Regardless of the reason, I can’t wait. The last time we went, I saw what might be the funniest thing I’ve ever seen. There was a monkey riding a baby hippo. I couldn’t find a picture of that, so you’ll have to use this image instead. Look at the expression on the monkey. He’s living the dream!

Celery knuckles

2006-03-21T10:22:00.000-08:00

I never thought I had any strange food quirks, but I guess that’s not true. You know what I’m talking about right? Some people hate when the food on their plate touches or mingles. Some people need to eat all of their Mike and Ikes grouped by color. I know one guy who never eats the last bite of the sandwich. I discovered, today, that I have had a food quirk of my own and never really noticed it. I don’t eat the celery knuckles. I ether cut them off, or eat around them. Is that weird?

Spring is in the air. What's your sign?

2006-03-17T06:45:00.000-08:00

Everybody has there own defining sign of spring. For some, it’s the fist spring plants poking through the ground or sighting a bird that may or may not be a robin. These are the folks who hate winter and any indication that cold weather is fading is considered a positive thing. Others have been fooled too many times by false indications and will not officially recognize spring until it’s practically summer. In my corner of the world, I think the most reliable harbinger of the season is the Magnolia tree. When this beautiful tree unfolds its flowers, I’m a believer. Don’t blink however. The display never seems to last. Full bloom is almost always followed by a windy rainy stretch, a few days later. It sure is nice while it lasts.

What's your sign?

What do ya say? How about after the meeting, we grab some coffee then kick the crap out of each other?

2006-03-16T06:42:00.000-08:00

My employer goes to great lengths to make the workplace pleasant and convenient. There is a fancy coffee shop, an ATM, a fabulous cafeteria, art, a work out facility, child care, onsite oil change, shoe shine, dry cleaning – you name it. I may not use all of this stuff, but it’s nice to know it’s there. The latest offering has me scratching my head a little. It seems too odd for the workplace. We now have the opportunity to participate in kick boxing classes here on the campus. As much as I’d like to give a few of my peers a roundhouse kick to the head, I don’t think it’s a great career move. Now, if I saw them in a darkened ally, all bets are off.

It takes a lot of balls!

2006-03-15T05:09:00.000-08:00

Anyone want to go to the Testicle festival? According to my calculations, there should be about 220 pounds of yummy sheep goodies. You go ahead. I'll meet you there. No, really. I might be a little late.

Greetings. That’ll be $3.50 please.

2006-03-14T05:21:00.000-08:00

What the heck, man. I stopped to pick up a few cards, for a very special birthday, on my way home last night. I almost had to put them on my charge card. When did they get so expensive? It was well over $6 for two cards. I think I’ll buy a box of crayons and some index cards so that I can make my own damn Hallmark moments and Shoebox greetings.

Virtual arts crawl.

2006-03-10T11:40:00.000-08:00

Here are some links to a few of my favorite artists/museums. Feel free to direct me to others that you enjoy.

Morten E. Solberg – This guy is crazy good with wildlife

Bo Bartlett – His pictures are dreamy with a Wyeth influence

Karl Kuerner, III – He made the list for his teaching as much as his artistry.

Andrew Wyeth – I believe he is the greatest artist of my time

The Brandywine River Museum – I love this place.

I see dead people.

2006-03-09T08:08:00.000-08:00

Well, not all of the time. I will on Saturday night, though. A gang of us are headed to the Franklin Institute to see Dr. Gunther von Hagens Body Worlds. I'm pretty excited about it. I think it will be fascinating. I know that a lot of people are grossed out by the concept, but I don’t think it will be as bad as the Mutter museum. I’m eager to see how all of the parts fit together. Maybe I’ll be able to figure out why I have a pain in my ~~ass~~ ~~neck~~ back.

The constant gardener

2006-03-09T08:01:00.000-08:00

Spring is in the air. The temps for the Philadelphia region are forecasted to be close to 70 degrees over the weekend. The flower show is in town. What better way to celebrate then to spend the weekend spreading 22 cubic yards of mulch. It should be a nice change of pace from pulling staples out of the floor.

Beans, beans, the musical fruit

2006-03-08T09:03:00.000-08:00

It seems that, in the jelly bean world, there are two schools of thought. There is the correct school of the fruity jelly bean and there is the wrong, wrong, wrong school of the spiced jelly bean. I’m Ok with the black bean being licorice and the white bean being spiced (or god forbid – coconut). I’ll set them aside or trash them. All other colors MUST be fruity! I’m not saying that yellow must be lemon, and purple must be grape. As long as they have some type of remotely fruity taste, I’m good with that. If I wanted spiced, I’d eat one of those pink lozenges my mom always had buried in her purse.

Hey baby. How do you like my hardwood (floor)?

2006-03-08T06:48:00.000-08:00

We live in a typical 1950ish brick rancher. It has hardwood flooring through out, except for maybe the kitchen. The floor in there is a mystery I don’t want to solve. We’ll stick with carpeting in there, thank you very much. As for the rest of the house, we’ve decided to get the hardwood floors restored. It’s going to look great. In the mean time, I have a new hobby. Everything that is currently on the floor (carpet, padding, furniture, etc) must be relocated or trashed. All of the closets must also be emptied. Now for the really cool part, and where the hobby comes in. I’ve taken up antique staple collecting. I’ve got billions to choose from. Some of them are older then me. I just need to “harvest” them from the floor. Man, is that ever fun. Anyone want to play?

UUUuhhhhm, what?

2006-03-07T09:23:00.000-08:00

Golfers are strange cats! There, I said it.

The tallest dwarf

2006-03-07T07:14:00.000-08:00

I’m not usually grumpy, but sometimes I’m unusually grumpy. I know how to laugh and I’m pretty easy going, but there are a few things that make me cranky. I’m human, am I not? Here’s a brief list of triggers. Feel free to chime in with a few of your own. If nothing makes you cranky, you are on my list of things that piss me off. (Kidding…..I kid because I love).

Lack of sleep – I must have a good 6+ hours (8.5 if I can get it)
Hunger - Breakfast, brunch, lunch, tea time, dinner, supper and a light snack, that’s all I ask.
Meanness - Don’t treat people like shit
Don’t waste my time – enough said?

I think that’s about it, without getting too specific. See - I’m not that hard to get along with.

King of the mountain

2006-03-06T10:09:00.000-08:00

Some of you know me as JJJJB (aka Jing Jang Johnny Johnson boy). As of yesterday, I am considering an extension. How does JJJ-CJJB (Jing Jang Jean-Claude Johnny Johnson Boy) work for you? Man! You should have seen me. I was tearing up the slopes and not just with the seat up my pants this time. I actually ventured off of the beginners slopes (Frosty, Powder Puff and Snowflake), and threw myself off the intermediate hills. How many years before the next winter games? If they have them in the Pocono’s, I am so go for the gold.

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

2006-03-06T06:06:00.000-08:00

Shield you eyes. Turn away if you must. I am now the "proud" owner of a pair of ~~stretchy, tight, form fitting, ass/package padded~~ bike shorts. Allow me to apologize. For those who do not know me, that picture is not of me (hence the apology).

Why do people have to ruin a good thing?

2006-03-03T07:48:00.000-08:00

It never fails. If you give people a little slack, somebody will take things to far and ruin it for everybody.

Casual Friday does not mean pajama party! Come on people. I know that some of these “kids” I work with don’t remember the dark days. If I have to wear a tie to work, again, because Skippy keeps wearing sweat pants or Missy wears another belly shirt with her thong in plain view, I’m taking somebody out.

That dish of pennies next to the cash register is there for a reason. If you need one or two, use them. If you don’t put one back now and then, the system fails. The next time somebody in front of me take 5 minutes to work out a mathematical equation with the skill of a card counter so that they can take two pennies rather then put three back, I’m taking somebody out.

I know the sign says “all you can eat”, but came on porky! Pace yourself. Give everybody a shot at the shrimp. It’s not a game. You don’t get points for eating $10 worth of ribs when you only paid $8.95. If you feel like shit because you ate too much and the restaurant lost $2 dollars by having you as a customer, nobody wins. If you jump in front of me to fill your plate with nothing but crab legs, I’m taking you out.

The law says Right Turn On Red. It seems that many of you are only familiar with this readers digest condensed version of this law. You still need to stop. Just because you can pull out in front of someone does not mean you should. If you blow through a red light and make a right turn in front of me that causes my speed to go from 50 MPH to 20 MPH, I will take you out!

Your employer has been kind enough to provide a refrigerator to its employees. That does not give the right to put a case of diet coke next to the one piece of Boston crème pie (that is still in the 15 X 11X 7 inch box that held the original whole pie).Yeah, that last swig of iced tea and backwash cocktail in the gallon jug – that’s got to go. If you didn’t finish the last bite of your sandwich on Friday, you will not want it on Monday. In fact, you will not remember that you stashed it, in its original full sized container. If your leftover, science experiment of a used to be edible lunch in an oversized container is preventing me from storing my tiny Tupperware container until lunch, I’m taking it out.

Wow. That felt good.

It's all good Neil

2006-03-02T07:35:00.000-08:00

So we were leaving the red light district, and looking for a non-threatening pub. We were both ready to “deposit” the last beer we’d had and replace it with one that would be much colder than the soon to be deposited one. After passing a few questionable establishments, we dropped into a place called Buster’s. Now Buster’s wasn’t officially open, but the proprietor (Neil) was kind enough to welcome us and open for the day. We were also greeted by the pub’s namesake – Buster. Buster is an American Bulldog, who is owned by an Englishmen, who lives in Amsterdam. It was good to get a dog fix with our beer. This story is not about dogs and beer, although that would make for a fine story. No, this is about our good friend Neil. I say “good friend” even though we only talked with Neil for about 30 minutes. We learned a lot about Neil in that time. He was born in England, lived for a time in Florida, and now owns a pub in Amsterdam and brings his dog to work. He opens his bar when he wants to. I mentioned to Neil, in a friendly conversation, that he must be a very happy man. As it turns out, that’s not completely true. Neil shared some of the reasons he’s not completely happy. I won’t go into that here, since it’s not my place to reveal Neil’s life to both of my readers. It just goes to show you, the grass always looks a little greener on the other side of the mountain. Neil, if you happen to come across this, buck up mate! You don’t have it so bad. Let the past go. Enjoy the present, and let the future take care of itself. Oh yeah, and give Buster a pat on the head for us.

These are NOT my pictures, but we have been to these places

2006-03-01T11:40:00.000-08:00

I'm really busy, and my pictures are not ready yet. Until I find time, here are other people's pictures of the same stuff we saw (some of it anyway).

Been there, done that

2006-02-28T12:52:00.000-08:00

We made it back in one piece. Thanks to my lovely tour guide, Baby, (plus plains, trains, trams, buses, boats, and lots of walking) we managed to see it all! What a beautiful place. If you ever get the chance – GO! If you do go, stay the hell off the bike path!

It’s all hockey, all the time.

2006-02-22T06:13:00.000-08:00

I’m not saying that all I did yesterday was watch hockey, but that would be pretty close to the truth. Today, I’m going to do something different. I’m going to watch a little curling too. Say it with me….USA, USA, USA!

I feel like I’m forgetting something. Oh that’s right. I have a little trip planned, and we leave tonight. NED, NED, NED!

I'm with the band

2006-02-21T05:45:00.000-08:00

I have no musical talent, but that hasn't stopped many of today's "stars" from getting into the business. Why should it stop me? With no talent to draw from, I’ve noticed that many people have gotten by with one of two characteristics. The most noticeable is sex appeal. After a quick inventory and a hardy laugh, I decided I may not have the looks to make it big on sex appeal alone. Yeah, I’m going to need a snappy name. A lot have people have been wildly successful with no talent and zero sex appeal. All they had was a catchy name. Since Engelbert Humperdinck was already taken, I decided to play off of the success of the Black eyed peas. The name I came up with – The White Guy Pees. What do you think? I’m going to be huge!

*****The management of this site and The White Guy Pees would like to apologize to anyone who may have clicked on the Engelbert link. It does, however, reinforce what I was saying about the importance of a catchy name, when talent and looks are lacking.

*****The management of this site and The White Guy Pees would like to apologize to anyone who may find Engelbert Humperdinck sexy or talented. We certainly ~~feel~~ are sorry ~~for you~~.

Too hot for the ice

2006-02-20T10:30:00.000-08:00

So, the wife and I (like a few dozen other people around the globe) were watching the Olympics last night. It seems that the featured event, for the evening, was ~~dirty~~ dancing on ice. Now this may come as shock to you, but ice dancing (or any other kind of dancing, with the possible exception of pole dancing) is not what I consider worth watching. Since NBC doesn’t seem to give a rat’s bloated colon what I think, and since the wife wanted to see it, that’s what we watched. It didn’t take long for me to notice that if you closed one eye and squinted with the other, it appeared that these women were dang near naked. Not only that, but the moves these people were making seemed a bit suggestive. Now, I’m no prude but COME ON! At one point, I think one of the men actually used whatever holes were available to grip his partner’s “under side” and swing her around as if she were a bowling ball. I think teams must use the Kamasutra as a reference manual for coming up with routines. I was actually making some mental notes of things I want to try. Don’t worry Honey. The bowling ball grip is not on the list.

Oh! And case Dick Button is reading this…….
Stop bitching about the fact that you “weren’t feeling the Latin vibe” from couples representing Slovakia, Norway and the Netherlands. You do understand that they are natural blondes, right?

What does pizza have in common with the big colon?

2006-02-16T05:35:00.000-08:00

Surprisingly, it’s not the fact that they are both featured in this photo. Only the big colon is seen in this image. I’m afraid to know what the pizza looking thing below it is. Anyway, the reason I mention the big colon and pizza is the fact that they each play a role in my plans this Saturday. A group of us are headed into the big city to check out the Mutter Museum. This will surely make us hungry/thirsty, so pizza and beer will follow.

Got Milk?!

2006-02-15T05:42:00.000-08:00

Today is day one of a three day training session. Yeah, that’s great news, but it gets better. I just looked at the agenda, and there will be “role playing”. Now, I don’t know about you good folks, but I’m not really into role playing unless I’m the naughty milk man, and the wife the lonely yet adventurous housewife whose passions can only be unlocked by the clinking sound of milk bottles on the front step. Oh, shit! That reminds me. We’re out of milk. Does anyone know where they still sell the stuff in glass bottles?

Is that wrong?

2006-02-14T11:34:00.000-08:00

Today I found joy in the misery of another. Before you judge me, you should know that this person has brought me much misery in the past few months. He is loud and inconsiderate of others. He is pushy and a drama queen. This was just his most recent hissy fit. It was the 2nd time in a week he threatened to walk. In neither case did I hear anyone suggest he stay. I couldn’t help but grin.

Dick to guest star on Scrubs?

2006-02-14T11:24:00.000-08:00

Is it just me, or did Dick shoot a Dr. Kelso (Ken Jenkins) look alike?

If only Dick had been shooting blanks

2006-02-14T04:41:00.000-08:00

Top 10 Cheney Excuses
From Letterman last night:
10. Heart palpitation caused trigger finger to spasm.
9. Wanted to get the Iraq mess off the front page.
8. Not enough Jim Beam.
7. Trying to stop the spread of bird flu.
6. I love to shoot people.
5. Guy was making cracks about my lesbian daughter.
4. I thought the guy was trying to go 'gay cowboy' on me.
3. Excuse? I hit him, didn't I?
2. Until Democrats approve medicare reform, we have to make some tough choices for the elderly.
1. Made a bet with Gretzky's wife.

Cheap bastard or wise old owl?

2006-02-14T04:16:00.000-08:00

I saw a report on the news, last night, which provided the average amount that men and women spend for the significant others on Valentines Day. Men spend close to double what women spend, and the total for the average man/woman couple is roughly $200. My sweetie and I agree that nothing says I love you like saving $200 that we can spend on things we really want instead of overpriced flowers and sweets we don’t need.

You’re the best Baby!

Lessons from a West Virginia runaway

2006-02-10T06:22:00.000-08:00

As the alarm went off this morning, I groaned and faced the day ahead of me with the dread of a condemned man. As I swung my sleep weighted legs out of bed, I was greeted by my smallest dog Ruby Mae. Her ass was wiggling and her brown eyes were smiling as she lunged to give me kisses. In the dim hallway light, I could see the other dog, Obi, waiting for the first sign of movement so that he could dart to the door and start his day. Now, I guess there are two ways to look at this morning routine. The first and maybe the most obvious view is that the dogs can’t wait to pee and eat. The other way to look at it is to say that any day you wake up breathing it’s a good day. You may as well face it with a smile on you face and a wiggle in your butt. Why is that so easy for a silly mutt from West Virginia to understand, while most people don’t see it that way? I’m as guilty (if not more guilty) than most. I’m going to try on work on that. Thanks Ruby Mae.

Speaking volumes

2006-02-09T05:10:00.000-08:00

I think a person's password can tell you a lot about them, or at least give a quick snapshot of their perception of the world around them. Take my current password at work, for example. It’s “shutup”. Any questions?

Hamsterdam or bust

2006-02-08T09:04:00.000-08:00

Image borrowed from- www.brodyaga.ru/images/ Holland/Amsterdam

So, the wife and I are two weeks away from hanging out in Amsterdam. It should be pretty cool. Everyone hears where we’re going, then smiles and mentions pot bars and/or prostitutes. I’m going to go out on a limb and say that there is much more to this city then legalized vices. It will be a quick trip for us. We will only be there for 4 days, but I think that will be enough to check the place out. It will be our second European trip in just over a year. We brought in 2006 in London. It too was a short trip, but we planned well and did everything we intended to do. Has any body been there? Is there anyplace in Amsterdam that is a must see?